Happy Birthday to Trump from Denmark.

 

To the sun-baked mafioso in the Oval Office…

Happy 80th birthday, Donald. 

You’ve proven to the entire world that you don’t need to have read a single book, let alone possess elementary decorum, to reach the very top. 

You’ve turned narcissism into an Olympic sport, and the truth into a rubber band measured by the yard.

Today you turn 80, and let’s be honest: you’re celebrating it exactly like the nihilistic Sun King you are. 

While other world leaders your age would have long since retired to write boring, self-righteous memoirs or collect stamps, you choose to transform the White House South Lawn with a massive steel structure and a no-holds-barred cage fight.

It is nothing short of brilliant in its pure vulgarity. Caligula would have wept with envy seeing human beings beat each other half to death in the Rose Garden to honor an 80-year-old Republican birthday boy.

You’re not a politician, Donald. You are a force of nature driven by pure, unadulterated transactional logic. 

You’ve transformed the most powerful office in the Western world into a clan seat, where statesmanship is replaced by quid pro quo, and where you view the Constitution as an annoying lease that just needs to be renegotiated.

You’ve made the truth completely irrelevant; if reality doesn’t suit you, you simply dictate a new one in ALL CAPS on Truth Social.

You’ve turned American democracy into an exclusive, all-you-can-eat buffet for tech oligarchs and oil sheikhs.

You don’t possess a shred of refinement, and that is precisely why you are bulletproof. 

You are the ultimate culmination of the American Dream: the man who can buy his way out of anything, lie his way out of any lawsuit, and convert total chaos into his personal currency.

So now you sit there like a true mob boss in the autumn of your life. Today, you are fighting the only opponent your lawyers cannot sue and whom you cannot intimidate: the relentless march of time…

- But even Chronos, the Greek god of time, will have his work cut out for him to bring you down, because your ego is thicker than bulletproof glass, and you are nowhere near finished bestowing large, vulgar monuments of yourself upon posterity.

Here in Denmark, we raise our long-stemmed crystal goblets today to toast you - not in admiration, but in deep, chilling fascination that the boundless narcissism of a single human being can hold the entire planet hostage.

May the cage on the South Lawn provide the blood you need to stay young.

Cheers and Happy Birthday 🥂