Paul Revere by Cyrus Dallin, North End, Boston

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

TEA PARTIERS, ALIENS, AND GNOCCHI

That ball of fire that was seen over the midwest last week was not part of a meteor shower. 

It was an Alien spacecraft come to Earth from somewhere in the constellation Coma Berenices , and I had the pleasure of talking to one of their Commanders (she is very intelligent and was able to convert her Alien language, which sounded like this "x#&werf 0110110" to English!)  And as far as I could determine, her name sounded something like this:  "Haitch Commander Cube Ere En En Qi," but please don't quote me on it.

Haitch Commander Cube Ere En En Qi stopped by the Boston Common on Wednesday (we're approaching Patriots' Day here in Beantown, so she wanted to know more about our history) and then went on to Washington DC and back to Boston on Friday, hoping to return to Deep Space on Sunday, volcano permitting.  (I'm taking her out for some gnocchi con succo di pomodoro and melanzana parmigiano [she's a vegan] tonight and later to listen to some fabulous Cole Porter played by the talented  pianist, Jon Jarvis appearing at Ristorante Fiore. ) But I digress.

H.C. CEEEQi had a lot of questions for me after having witnessed the demonstrations on Boston Common and in Washington DC over this past week.  She wanted to know why those particular Americans were carrying signs and making loud, angry speeches. She was especially curious about the woman wearing a bright red leather jacket whose high pitched voice caused H.C. CEEEQi to momentarily lose consciousness.  A small adjustment to her iTransponder allowed the Haitch Commander to endure the rest of the lady in the red leather jacket's speech.

I told her the Tea Party movement started up last year, basing its name on the famous Boston Tea Party, where Boston colonists protested England's tax on tea, because Bostonians had no representation in the English Parliament.  Today's Tea Party people enjoy representation in the US government and have the option of voting out those people whom they feel do not properly represent their values.

The first large Tea Party demonstrations were on Tax Day 2009, three months into the term of our first bi-racial president, who had inherited one of the worst economies in US history, as well as two unfinished wars.  The Tea Partiers, I told H.C. CEEEQi, were very angry after having had to endure three whole months of Mr. Obama's infant presidency, and they were going to make their anger known to the rest of the country with the help of something that's called a cable news station, but really isn't, a Dick Armey (here the Haitch Commander sniggered--as I noted, she is quite intelligent, and immediately understood the double entendre).  The Tea Party movement, I told her, is also backed by Freedom Works, and Dick Armey is the chairman of the group.  I also told the Haitch Commander that the lady in the red leather jacket, who caused her sensitive Berenicean ears to shut down and for her to momentarily lose consciousness, is also part of the Tea Party movement.  I explained how she makes tons of money flying around the country in private jets telling the people she talks to that they're the "real Americans, just like her!"

H.C. CEEEQi:  Why are all those people with tea bags dangling from their hats so angry?  Did your president increase their taxes?

SK:  No.  Unless they made over $250,000, their taxes actually went down.  Our president, Barack Hussein Obama, gave 95% of the American people tax cuts.

H.C. CEEEQi:  But didn't I hear that you Americans had to work until April 9 this year to pay your Federal Government taxes?

SK:  That's true, but it is also true that that date is the earliest it has been in EIGHT years!  (Last year, 2009, it was April 8.) And we are just about the lowest worldwide!

H.C. CEEEQi:  How often did the Tea Party demonstrate when they had to work longer to pay the federal government taxes?

SK:  They didn't.  They're angry with this president for lowering their taxes, for instituting 25 separate tax cuts, and for shortening the time that they have to work to pay the federal government taxes.

H.C. CEEEQi:  "@#%uHQxx 010101010!" (*loosely translates as "a shtuken nisht in hartz!")

SK:  :-(

H.C. CEEEQi:  Sorry.  What do the Tea Party people think about the taxes they pay?

SK 62% of the American people believe the taxes they pay are fair, and 52% of the people in the Tea Party movement believe the taxes they pay are fair.  The Tea Party people are also angry over the fact that 47% of the American people don't pay any federal taxes (but they do pay taxes through payroll taxes, state and local.) And probably the same percentage of Tea Party people don't pay taxes, since they self-identified in a recent poll as making undeer $50,000 a year, the same as the 47% of Americans who don't pay federal income taxes.

H.C. CEEEQi:  The Tea Party Earthlings are angry over high taxes but also angry that some of them don't qualify to pay federal taxes at all?

SK:  Yes.

H.C. CEEEQi:  None of this makes sense.

SK:  But it does make good teevee for that entity that calls itself a cable news station but really isn't, and it is very profitable for that lady in the red leather jacket who quit her job as a governor to spend more time with her money.

H.C. CEEEQi:  So let me try to understand.  This Tea Party movement, which was, in your Colonial history, about taxation without representation, actually has representation.  A majority of the people in the Tea Party movement believe their taxes are fair.  The president of your country gave a tax cut to 95% of the people.  A majority of Americans believe their taxes are fair.  The people of your country have worked fewer days for the federal government taxes than they have over the last eight years under a different president.  Why is everyone demonstrating?

SK:  Beats me.

H.C. CEEEQi:  Don't the people who are invloved in this tax demonstration business like their president?

SK:  No.  They believe he's a Marxist, Socialist, Communist, Muslim, Kenyan, Nazi with big ears.

H.C. CEEEQi:  That's not logical.  Well maybe the big ears--I've seen his photograph.  In our culture, that is a sign of great wisdom and intelligence. But as for the Tea Party people, it appears that they are confused and angry over being angry. And maybe uncomfortable with the fact that this new president of yours doesn't look like one of them.  I understand that the majority of Tea Party people are white, male Republicans.  And your president is not.  

SK:  True.

H.C. CEEEQi:  Well this has been quite informative.  I'm not sure I fully understand the Tea Party movement except as a group of discontented people who don't like their president and resent the fact that he lowered their taxes, that he rescued the economy from total collapse, that they worked fewer days for the federal govenment taxes, and that his wife is trying to get children to eat healthier and exercise more.

Just one more thing, Ms. Kenawe, I notice on your notepad that you refer to me as "Haitch" Commander.  That's not correct.  The "Haitch" means the letter "H."  I should have made that clearer to you when we met.

SK:  Thanks for the correction.  So.  What does the "H" stand for--in Berenicean, I mean.

H.C. CEEEQi:  Oh yes. Forgive me.  The "H" stands for "hussein."  In our Berenicean language, the word/sound "hussein" means "Supreme Patriot."  So my title, Hussein Commander" actually means "Supreme Patriot Commander" Cube Ere En En Qi.    I very much look forward to trying those gnocchi!

4 comments:

tnlib said...

How fantastic. Only you could produce something so telling in such a witty way. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

LOL! Perfect.

GB said...

Further proof that most Teabaggers could use the benefit of a nice federally-funded education. Many of these people are the same folks who refer to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggression. It's a shame they are tarnishing the name of one of the most patriotic events in American history.

Blind, ignorant opposition is not patriotic and these people need to reread (or read for the first time) our history.

Opposing change only helps you politically for so long. Eventually, inevitably, it happens.

Check out my blog Young Politics for more on this and other issues.

ex DLB said...

This is beautiful. If it makes it to Broadway, I'll surely go.