Paul Revere by Cyrus Dallin, North End, Boston

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

SUNDAY NIGHT FUNNIES

Found via Infidel753

HOW TO SPEAK REPUBLICAN

  • America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.

  • Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.

  • Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.

  • Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.

  • Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.

  • Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.

  • Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.

  • Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.

  • Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.

  • Condescending: Accurately informed.

  • Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.

  • Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.

  • Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.

  • Democrat: A political party.

  • Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.

  • Elitist: Qualified.

  • Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.

  • Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.

  • Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.

  • Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.

  • Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.

  • Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.

  • Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.

  • Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.

  • Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.

  • League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.

  • Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.

  • Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.

  • Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.

  • Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.

  • Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.

  • Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.

  • Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.

  • News: Fox News

  • Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.

  • Organic: Eaten by lesbians.

  • Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."

  • Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.

  • Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.

  • Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.

  • Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.

  • Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.

  • Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.

  • Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.

  • Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.

  • Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.

  • Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.

  • Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.

  • Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.

  • Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.

  • Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.

  • Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.

  • Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.

  • Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.

  • Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.

  • Yes: (no translation available)
  • 2 comments:

    Octopus said...

    Republicans: Better living through denial.

    A million sperm and YOU were the fastest?

    3 kinds of Republicans: Those who can count & those who can't.

    A clear conscience is the sign of a Republican with a bad memory.

    A day without sunshine is ... a Republican in the White House.

    Wingnut trolls alway proff-rude their commints.

    S.W. Anderson said...

    Q: If you cross the Republican Party with the oil, financial and pharmaceutical industries what do you get?

    A: The status quo.