SUNDAY NIGHT FUNNIES

Found via Infidel753

HOW TO SPEAK REPUBLICAN

America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.

Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.

Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.

Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.

Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.

Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.

Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.

Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.

Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.

Condescending: Accurately informed.

Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.

Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.

Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.

Democrat: A political party.

Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.

Elitist: Qualified.

Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.

Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.

Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.

Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.

Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.

Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.

Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.

Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.

Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.

League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.

Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.

Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.

Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.

Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.

Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.

Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.

Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.

News: Fox News

Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.

Organic: Eaten by lesbians.

Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."

Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.

Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.

Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.

Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.

Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.

Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.

Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.

Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.

Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.

Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.

Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.

Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.

Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.

Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.

Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.

Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.

Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.

Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.

Yes: (no translation available)