Paul Revere by Cyrus Dallin, North End, Boston

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Sunday, September 1, 2013

Science Funnies






Who says scientists don't have a sense of humor?


"It is rather unfair to assume that there is anything improbable about science overlapping with humour. Popular TV and radio shows such as The Big Bang Theory, Infinite Monkey Cage, Museum of Curiosity and Dara O’Briain’s School Of Hard Sums happily marry science with jokes. And, as Brian Cox, the scientist and presenter of Wonders of the Universe, points out, comedians such as O’Briain and Ben Miller are physics graduates. “There is a strange nexus between physics and comedy that I seem to be a part of,” Cox told the Daily Telegraph. “It’s a powerful if strange alliance. 

Dara O’Briain did mathematics and physics, and is passionate about it. Ben Miller did a PhD in physics. Robin Ince [his co-presenter on Infinite Monkey Cage] is a very good friend of mine.”




Here are some for you to chortle or groan over:




A Higgs boson walks into a bar and asks everyone to take part in an act of penitence. “What are you doing?” asks the barman. “Giving mass.”





Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now.


A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”



What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 

 
A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”



Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”









There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don’t.



When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg!


The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.


Two atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”


What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.










An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.




Never trust an atom. They make up everything.


A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.” 


A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.



A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”






10 comments:

FreeThinke said...

I do remember reading about a fledgling scientist who was so eager to meet the great Albert Einstein that the moment he arrived at Princeton without even bothering to call for an appointment asked for directions and walked straight over the master's office.

He was terribly disappointed, because all he found was a hastily scrawled sign posted in the door that said:

GONE FISSION!

FreeThinke said...

SIGN POSTED in the HALL of a noted MEDICAL SCHOOL

Don’t sulk.
Don’t skulk.
Don’t talk.
Don’t balk.
Just walk.
Dr. Jonas Salk
Is giving a Chalk Talk.

Shaw Kenawe said...

Thanks for those, Mr. F.T. Very funny.

Infidel753 said...

I guess I must be more up to speed on physics than I thought -- I understood all those jokes except the TCP packet one.

I love Dara O'Briain. Didn't know about the "School of Hard Sums", though -- have to check that out.

Shaw Kenawe said...

Transmission Control Protocol (TCP) is a reliable stream delivery service that guarantees that all bytes received will be identical with bytes sent and in the correct order.


I had to look that one up, too, but when I read that sentence I got the joke.

Les Carpenter said...

Thanks for saving me, and likely most others the trouble! :-)

FreeThinke said...

I guess every "FERROUS" wheel has to be built of IRON, right? :-)

FreeThinke said...

And there's always this old chestnut, I suppose? I stlll get a kick out of it:

A certain Miss Lucianne Bright
Could move even faster than light.
She traveled one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the preceding night!


~ Anonymous

BB-Idaho said...

Chemists have their own lingo as well. One walked into the drug store and looked around. The druggist asked if he could help him. "Yes, I'm looking for a bottle of sodium acetylsalicylate."
The pharmacist said, "You mean..
aspirin?" "Yes" the chemist replied, "I can never remember that."

(O)CT(O)PUS said...

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Are you from around here?" The neutrino replies: "Nope, just passing through ...."