YOUR SUNDAY MOMENT OF...DEEP THOUGHTS, by JACK HANDEY

 Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

---

-To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

-If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

-Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

-You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

-You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

-If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

-Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

-Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

-What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

-If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

-To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

-Whenever I need to "get away," I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!